eternity take one

actually it wouldn’t matter. my pursuits are all incredibly solitary. I’ve not felt loneliness when I’m on the ground, not since I turned ten that is, in fact I honestly don’t think I’d shed a tear if someone I knew died. That person is in heaven and that’s a much nicer place to be than it is on earth.

It’s amazing how cold my heart really is, I feel like really dead guy in the morgue, my emotions have turned to gray and the way of finding them seems to be a journey to the centre of the earth. It’s amazing how I manage to still smile day after day, lying smiles only hurt the wearer.

I’m so sick of people (including myself) putting on masks over themselves, lying day after day, the white lies the blatant lies. I’m so sick of escape acts that deceive people running away from themselves from the world, from their emotions. Then again I know very well that I’m the greatest escapist ever and somehow I manage to find means and ways of running away and not running towards.

(You know what I’m most sick of…? Labels and this innate need of some people to gossip and speak of others lives and critic and complain and bemoan about the pitiful situations they are in to people around them, it chafes my skin to listen when it becomes excessive, I know that in moderation it aid in relieving stress but honestly, what good do words do when we are tearing each other along the dotted lines of others like fault-lines in another’s emotional landscape. Or as the bible puts it…why remove the speck of dirt when there is a plank in your own?)

It’s the fact that everything is an escape to me (including writing this) that I don’t think I’ll ever get into another relationship not for the next ten odd years or so at least. I just won’t be able to manage another-body. I don’t know why exactly I was brought to this Earth, when quite clearly I wouldn’t have minded being born in some remote village and have to live off what I grow every day. I have a strong innate need for solitude and for doing what I like to do and learning what I want to learn.

I think I’m clearly in the wrong profession, people just aren’t who I’m really interested in and my interest in psychology is alot more self-absorbed than it is in helping people per say (or to rephrase I’m more interested in the person’s mind than in the person himself). Well, the only added advantage is given my clinical nature (which reads blinding realism and not apathy or pessimism) I’d survive in the mental profession much longer than my peers would.

I’ve been running away from who I am for too long…and I think it’s time to simply accept how I was created and move on. Which means, leading a quiet life away from noise from the city from people and pursuing my interests. Which of course due to obligations I wouldn’t be able to achieve, but given time I will perhaps be able to. I still need to return and work. I don’t know if things will henceforth be any different perhaps I’ll smile less and in time the smile-lines will slowly even out as running waters through the passage of eternal time.