I can only decide and be certain of the now, the web that my hands weave, patterns in time. There is no room left for what ramins of the burnt past and the ever looming future as a shadow, always hidden uncertain. There only the present, the now, the decision to make of what I need to do now of what to do, the choice to mek liesin the oresen and I will not think of the future as I am much content with holding events in this present glass, in this cradle of life, I choose to smile, I choose your smile to smile at. I can’t re-write the past or control the future but I can choose to live in the reality that abides in the now. I can take the step, the small step forward and keep moving onwards instead of letting my mind drift to the regrets of the past or the pleasant dream of tomorrow.

I regret not continuing writing.

Few things make sense to me, few as spaces between my fingers against the ribbons of blue turquoise infinite skies.

I love swimming, just at night when the world has tucked itself and only the stars above, not a soul. Just me immersed and the beat of my heart in tandem with every stroke of arms fighting to keep afloat.

I love music, the shape of every note the curve of every crescendo. It makes sense, a world beyond 5 senses.
Every beat, making pathways beyond the score the rigid cold notes of letters. Strings moving in one body, in tandem as hamstrings with every stroke.

I love exploring thought patterns, I love the perspective the shifting of it the art in museums, it’s as though I had swapped eyeballs with the artist. We make art everyday.

Actually in this whole world. That’s all that makes sense. Relationships fail me. My actions fail me. My thinking fails me. Keep it simple and decide to do one thing at a time. even that one step thing fails. My hands just fail.
But some things make sense in the world. some things are worth holding onto.

I wish someone would take my hand and help me down the carousel. help me survive this little war.

time to close this chapter and on to the next.
goodbye wordpress.

.hack//sign
Azumanga daoih
Appleseed deus ex machina
Black heaven
Cowboy bebop, cowboy bebop the movie
Boys be
Chobits
Chrome shell regios
Chrono crusade
Clannad
Code geass
Desert punk
Dual
Earth maiden arjuna
Excel saga
Fate stay night
Final fantasy unlimited
Final fantasy the movie
Fruit basket
Full metal panic
Full metal panic fumoffu
full metal panic the second raid
Full metal alchemist
Love hina
Fokujou seitokai
Hidamari sketch
Igpx: Immortal Grand Prix
Kanon
Kurokami
Last exile
Negima magister negi magi
Nodame cantabile
Nodame cantabile paris hen
Orphen
Ouran high school
Please save my earth ova
RahXephon
Rosario vampire
Scrapped princess
Sola
Someday’s dreamers
Sorcerer hunters
Soul eater
Strawberry 100%
To love-ru
Voices of a distant star
Vision of escaflowne the movie
Witchhunter robin
xxxholic the movie

I think I did watch more, but here’s all the anime I’ve watched in my three years in Sydney!
I should really get new hobbies once I start working…meeeps

I should be packing and cleaning but I’m so mentally exhausted I don’t really feel like doing anything…
I should go for a run but I think I’ll sleep instead.

I have to let go of all my fallacies that I’ve build and be free. Gotta cut my chains. Lord help me and grant me strength to unleash my full potential and embark on self actualization.
I need help so I turn and look to you.. no one else but you.

somewhere I can call my own
where waking is easy
where dreams never fade
and everybody is gone and rolling on
and everyday we can hit Esc
(I don’t want to want you to want to want me)

each time the blade cuts deeper
is it worth the breeze it brings?
(play slow how the voilin bows)

one day we’ll build an igloo from the brick roasted dreams
that we toasted by campfires when we were explorers
dreaming of finding gold down by old ben’s creek.
(islands dreaming of countries dreaming of continents)

I’m good at hiding at finding. I’m good at changing my personality at a pencil drop. I am actually good at such things. But I’ve never ever tried that on my work before…. self hypnosis. I shall since I’m all out of options… I feel that this is what my gut is telling me. and I shall trust myself more.

I don’t know..don’t know why this self destructive behavior and why do I let it be so intrinsic. Maybe it’s because I like to watch my toes bleed. Maybe it’s the slow heal that makes me realise that there at least is something more.

I want you to not want me but I still want you. I realised why… this evening and it scares me, I don’t want to leave here.. I’m not looking forward to returning. I still want to stay with you and know so much more about you, the lanes the quiet mornings… your smile amidst the harbour and how I always knew it was you when silently watching from behind.

smile when the waterbeds are dry
and your tongue sticks to the roof
and you can’t speak the brazen confession
now looping, unable to pause between
fast forward and rewind

smoking pencil thin chimneys
the lead lining tracts
of rails leading through brick walls
where in between the cracks
vines that have conquered gravity
scale like kittens on rooftops
paws the colour of silver
flash and wave, strings of morse
signals to strangers in the night
keep to alleys and quiet ways
where mice make humble
houses beneath palaces
but still warm without the need for
mass advertising of false lives
with families and children that
will never call their house a home

actually it wouldn’t matter. my pursuits are all incredibly solitary. I’ve not felt loneliness when I’m on the ground, not since I turned ten that is, in fact I honestly don’t think I’d shed a tear if someone I knew died. That person is in heaven and that’s a much nicer place to be than it is on earth.

It’s amazing how cold my heart really is, I feel like really dead guy in the morgue, my emotions have turned to gray and the way of finding them seems to be a journey to the centre of the earth. It’s amazing how I manage to still smile day after day, lying smiles only hurt the wearer.

I’m so sick of people (including myself) putting on masks over themselves, lying day after day, the white lies the blatant lies. I’m so sick of escape acts that deceive people running away from themselves from the world, from their emotions. Then again I know very well that I’m the greatest escapist ever and somehow I manage to find means and ways of running away and not running towards.

(You know what I’m most sick of…? Labels and this innate need of some people to gossip and speak of others lives and critic and complain and bemoan about the pitiful situations they are in to people around them, it chafes my skin to listen when it becomes excessive, I know that in moderation it aid in relieving stress but honestly, what good do words do when we are tearing each other along the dotted lines of others like fault-lines in another’s emotional landscape. Or as the bible puts it…why remove the speck of dirt when there is a plank in your own?)

It’s the fact that everything is an escape to me (including writing this) that I don’t think I’ll ever get into another relationship not for the next ten odd years or so at least. I just won’t be able to manage another-body. I don’t know why exactly I was brought to this Earth, when quite clearly I wouldn’t have minded being born in some remote village and have to live off what I grow every day. I have a strong innate need for solitude and for doing what I like to do and learning what I want to learn.

I think I’m clearly in the wrong profession, people just aren’t who I’m really interested in and my interest in psychology is alot more self-absorbed than it is in helping people per say (or to rephrase I’m more interested in the person’s mind than in the person himself). Well, the only added advantage is given my clinical nature (which reads blinding realism and not apathy or pessimism) I’d survive in the mental profession much longer than my peers would.

I’ve been running away from who I am for too long…and I think it’s time to simply accept how I was created and move on. Which means, leading a quiet life away from noise from the city from people and pursuing my interests. Which of course due to obligations I wouldn’t be able to achieve, but given time I will perhaps be able to. I still need to return and work. I don’t know if things will henceforth be any different perhaps I’ll smile less and in time the smile-lines will slowly even out as running waters through the passage of eternal time.

It feels like I don’t know what I have been doing for all this while. I’ve had a few revelations like these, moments of clarity where all my built fantasies fade. I’ve spent and wasted too much energy in impression formation and I’ve grown quite tired of talking although I’m simply reiterating myself here. I hope it’s enough I hope and pray my mind stays the way it is now where everything is crystal. This is why I know right from the start I needed to get away from people and actually isolate myself from the world. Although it seems like I’ve failed miserably in doing so and I really really regret at this point for not having the guts to actually from day one work on these aspects. On the other hand all is not bleak, I’ve managed to tweak other parts of my system. It’s just for now… I know the focus has to be on myself and my reality and what I produce with these two hands and enough of all the self induced misery and incessant questioning and on it shall be from this moment with my life.