sanity lies in the middle of an oreo cookie

I know what I have to do..I have to kill my false self that I have created, the image that I project to the world. In some cosmic re-birth I have too murder myself everyday to survive. This is what happens when the web of lies has become concrete, an overgrown forest living off fertile dreams. In some ways it all begins to make sense again and there is some hope… It’s an onion effect where the false layers slide off like silk… and soon I’ll bask in my nakedness in the light of God to reflect it and shine like a city on the hill.
Die to live, live to die boy that sounds like reincarnation. Maybe I could start my own cult I’ll call it…hmm youcult? mCcult? We’ll spend all day making spirit dolls, replicas of ourselves stuffed with bags of red ink and throw darts at them..mmm sounds like a plan indeed. I think sanity lies in the middle of an oreo cookie.

new year. this year I resolve to talk and think less; stop focusing on the ‘why’ but the ‘how’ and ‘what’. I really treasure this little hours and I dread the day I’ll leave this house, even as I start to fold away my memories like clothes.
I’ve to get lunch. then my notes. then oh wait shower first.then boxes then pack. then study for tomorrow.

yearly thing

for some odd reason I’m really tired of living at least for today and though it’s the first day of the new year, I seriously can’t master the will to reflect on the past year and plan for the new year. I think white coffee at big splash is awesome…mmm white coffee. I want to visit cmc at least once before everything begins. My messy life needs tidying up although all the mess is mostly internal but I’ve burnt every last broom and dustpan. Today I am without hope and I feel God is far though I know He is near. I’ve stopped placing expectations on myself and others around me. I still see life as mostly an illusion and a great big parade of paper faces of wishful thinking of fighting and striving for a great big nothing. The end of the universe is illogical only because it didn’t have a beginning.
Actually in all honesty I’m just tired..perhaps sleep will do me some good…mmm sleep

lost as ever but fighting (?)

I’m still lost and confused but I know what I have to do… I gotta run after you. I need all the strength of the Holy Spirit just to let Christ dwell in my heart. Got to get away from here just to tend my wounds and nurse them… and up till now I don’t know anybody who can help me lol.. I’m an open secret who has a closed heart of a tin soldier. I don’t know what I want… or I think I do know but I’m afraid.. I really am I want to be true and live a life that is congruent… I’m afriad though I don’t know what I’ll find but I’m searching again for truth for a life that is without lies I’m searching for Christ or rather.. I’m letting myself be found by Christ and His embrace…and I want to fight for what I believe in without any doubts or reservations… I want to fight.. and fight and keep going till the day I drop.

Actually… we’re no different and the only difference is I wasn’t caught…

xl promises to remain single until his life is sorted out..until then I need the courage and keep moving on.

rose-tinted

I want back the rose-tinted glasses I sold at the second-hand shop just because I thought the colours had turn to fade. But looking back I realise that the glasses had remained and I was changing into shades of gray and rusting from the inside out, my shiny exterior corroding.
I’m still so sleepy… I’ve this loan on sleep with interest attached.. need to start pigging it to pay back the hours! Oinks! Shall go count my sheep and be more daring in my living.
Need to start risky behaviour (the good sort) before I start working.. or actually at this rate I know I’m really going to be forced out of my comforts into a big fat space of unknown. But I can cross the final frontier and sail through celestial planes with wings carried by Christ anything is possible.

when words need tombs

Memories in a building bursting with people. Yet void except you filling in the faces of every face and all I could see was you, every loose conversation like dry crisp leaves lazing, drifting in space was carried away by your laughter. And yet I know in dreams the unspoken wishes the reaching out across an ever deepening valley will remain in the land of giants and dwarves but still the memory remains, fossilised in amber awaiting archelogical discovery of centuries gone by when one day I’ll find my memory of the time with you preserved.

I was injured and I still feel like such a fool. I know when my true intentions are incongruent with my surface well meaning acts. I perceive that what brings me most joy in psychology is being able to classify the underlying roots from the overt behaviours..the ability to predict based on the knowledge of the underlying structure.

I’m looking forward to my cds and all the little familarities in life again. I know that I can’t get attached to anything and everything just because my first love isn’t of God but still of the world and until I get that right… I’ll remain as I am otherwise I’d end up hurting more than helping and that’s the last thing I’d want to see.

fill in the blank (there filled)

I do want to be really good in what I choose to study and will not accept mediocracy but will continue to strive for what I believe in. I know I messed up just because I thought I wanted those other things, but now I know reality for what it is I know the greatest gift God gave man to demonstrate His love for us is to make us in His image. Let’s think about what that means, it’s fairly obvious that we as humans have the will to choose, God’s foreknowledge does not negate the fact that we are agents of choice. Likewise it must mean that God too has a will that He chooses and we know He predestines. By that He is exerting His will to make choices as well. Can we question God’s choice? Paul brings this up in Romans, can a pot question the potter? If God choose to make certain pots that choose Him and certain that do not what are we to question His free will? But whose will is stronger.. if God wills it, He exerts His choice to make us decide Him instead of the world doesn’t that negate our free will?
What is free will to begin with? Is it the ability to decide between two choices or the ability to know that we have freedom but that the choice has already been made. Is it an illusion of choice there is is everything already determined? What comfort can we gain from knowing that everything we do has already been decided for us how does that make us made in the image of God? Perhaps looking at God’s nature might give us some answers. God is free to make choices but He always decides good instead of evil does that negate His free will? Nope. This is otherwise known as royal freedom, to have knowledge that you are free and to know that there are choices out there but to always decide the right path. So perhaps likewise… in some level that is free will, that is we acknowledge that there is an alternative to every solution but to always choose Christ in by that God doesn’t negate our free will. Our to put things in a simpler form, free will is nothing but the knowledge that there are choices but our decision to follow Christ has already been made. At that level, predestination becomes palatable. We can’t question God’s choices because that clearly is quite meaningless Paul directs us instead to seek God’s purpose, God why did you make me for? I may not know the purpose behind other jars of clays out there, I could guess from its size and dimensions but only the creator knows why their ultimate purpose in life. Paul simultaneously abhors us from questioning our existence (why did you create me?), questioning the purpose and comparing ourselves with other pots (why did you create others), which leaves us really to question what is our purpose in this life (Why did you create me for)? And God in His infinite wisdom directs us to Colossians 1 (which is by far my favourite letter by Paul) in that all things were created through Christ and for Him. We were created by Christ and for Christ in that our lives are to be directed by Christ. Now before we state that it seems rather selfish perhaps it’s time to look back and reflect on what Christ has done for us on the cross, does that seem fair? Should the creator suffer for the mistakes of the created? What mistakes have we made…well that will be sin God knew that His creation would fall and to atone for His fallen creation, the creator Himself bore our sins to satisfy His just requirements because He cannot let evil reproduce and in His anger instead of turning it on the creation He so loved (some might argue God did so in the flood), He turned in instead on Himself, now that my friend is how much God loves us so much that He would sacrifice His son to take our place on the cross instead of us. God punishes evil through His son instead of us to satisfy His righteousness that all the sins which humanity has committed past, present future are paid for by the blood of the unblemished lamb. A perfect sacrifice by a perfect being for an imperfect creation.

I think at the end… as Christians we should comfort ourselves by the fact that all our sins are paid for and that our life is really for Christ and this illusion that we suffer in this world is really our fallen humanity speaking. For we are now the richest men and women in the world for our treasures are safeguarded in perhaps the most secure place that is heaven. And that is where we should strive towards for we are strangers in this world. By that I know God is teaching me.. to not hold onto the earthly things which my heart strives after I for one have always been obsessed about being a model student who is simultaneously good in my studies and in my social life which clearly I know God is showing me in these past 3 years to stop trying to glorify myself and turn my eyes instead towards Jesus. I’m still trying to learn this lesson I know God has allowed these things may failures to allow me to learn for I know that much “tougher” lessons will be coming my way… and through all these decisions the root still remains the same although it has already been decided that my life belongs to Christ and all that really remains is to walk in Christ. Which actually is alot easier said than done… because in my entire life it seems that all I ever do is to sin and watch these hands wreak ruin in the lives around me. This pain doesn’t seem to end…

But anyway in retrospect. I shouldn’t have participated in any clubs or societies instead I should have devoted myself to what I really loved doing, to continue to read God’s word to know God (and not to teach it..I think my priorities seem messed up) that I may love Him more and continue to work on my weaknesses in my studies and in my life general. I have some 3 months left here in Sydney before I go back and this then is my goal to not waste this opportunity that I have and straighten my life…so much for that. I think although I fear doing this.. I might need to cut off all connections I have made in my life here to re-connect my network that I can upgrade my system. I know the dangers involved in that… but I’ve actually already said this before I think I’ll need maybe some 2 months alone to rewire everything and so I’ll begin after convy the systematic destruction and unlearning of old habits and setting up new connections.
But first… I need to pack my room I need to reboot my system to restart the whole process and begin again from where I started in year 1. I know this is what I must do before I go back home, so there I’m letting it go now, I know I should continue on but I know that it’s meaningless to.. I think this entire entry might just be me trying to rationalise things (as usual..) maybe it’s a form of ego-defense of self deception…ha! I wouldn’t know any better… all this writing.. makes me hungry time for lunch.

star

because we hide, because it appears easier. Digging a hole no matter the medium even concrete gives way to escapism. I am a star, shining bright light, reaching to nowhere and everywhere, taking endless journeys beyonds cosmos beyond egos beyond the plains of collective unconscious yet nowhere at home, it’s cold in space without a place to lay one’s head. I am nobody but everybody you see me in faces in the corners and crevices of every aborted dream every rejected fantasy. I am here existing but dead. I am a star and you’ll never reach me.

Biorhythms and other general information

CICU: Circaannual rhythms(1 year), Infradian rhythms (weeks think menstrual), Circadian (24hrs) and ultradian(<1hr).

The amount of sleep varies from individuals and across species with some animals such as dolphins having unihemisphere sleep. Generally animals which can hide well and have less predators such as sankes sleep more and animals like koalas and sloths sleep more since their food has little nutritional value. Our circadian rhythm consists of some 20,000 cells which have an internal clock that runs independently from the external world’s “real” time. These cells have individual clocks and personal cycles which are generally 24.5-26 hours long. Cave studies where individuals sleep in caves without any cues from sunlight generally fall asleep later and later. These cells are located in the suprachiasmatic nucleus where they are reset by sunlight through retinal photosensitive ganglion cells which demonstrate activity only in the presence of light. Isolated scn’s continue to cycle independently from other cells, lesions of this area abolish free-running rhythms while doner transplants import the rhythm from the doner to the recipient.

Midpoint of sleep on our freedays is separated into those who are late (owls) or early (larks). Late MSF occurs in adolescene during puberty with girls showing this owlish peak earlier, in simple words it just means we sleep more when we are growing up. Owls are usually lethargic during workdays as they lack sleep while larks are tired on weekends due to social obligations.

Curiously in the past when there was no reliable light sources we used to not sleep consecutively for 8hrs unlike these modern times. Humans then had a second sleep with each period lasting around 4 hrs.

Serotonin levels increase 1s after we awake! Raphe nuclei secretes them

Sleep on dream on (2)

Now that we have talked about sleep itself let’s talk about how we sleep! The best way to understand this is in terms of the chemicals involved, the pathways and the process.

Chemicals involved:
Orexin and hypocretin are involved in keeping us awake by arousing the midbrain through the ascending arousal pathway (AAP), evidence from this comes from individuals who are narcoleptic also have a shortfall of orexin.
Adenosine is an inhibitory neuromodulater which pools in our basal forebrain as a result of neuronal activity and also in areas containing acetylcholinergic receptors.

Pathways:
AAP keeps us in a state of arousal and have to separate path ways. The first from the basal forebrain to the cortex and the other from the upper pons to thalamus and then cortex. (side note: AAP are more active during REM than they are during our awake state).
Ventralatertal preoptic area (VLPA or VLOP) in the hypothalmus is responsible for inducing sleep in us through the inhibitory neurotransmitter GABA.
These two areas are mutuall inhibitory like a see-saw (flip-flop) which means that at any point in time there can only be one of them active which inhibits the other. This means that there is little time spent in transition between awake and sleep with the changes in state occuring rapidly

Process:
When we are awake orexin/ hypocretin increases which keeps up awake while adenosine increases in tandem in the basal forebrain. However it reaches a point where adenosine levels are much higher than orexin and hypocretine and this results in an inhibition of the basal forebrain. Basal forebrain no longer inhibites the VLPA. Active VLPA means that it wins the see-saw hence it now inhibits the AAP resulting in us falling asleep. When we are asleep, adenosine levels decrease slowly until it no longer inhibits basal forebrain. Basal forebrain inhibits the VLPA resulting in AAP winning the see-saw and we are now awake. Adenosine is also a sleep homeostat that maintains a 1:3 ratio of sleep:awake. Evidence for the role of adenosine also comes from the biochemical effects of caffeine which sits on adenosine receptors thereby preventing it from pooling. Interestingly, our brain reacts to this by increasing adenosine receptors to boost the amount of adenosine. This means that we require higher doses of caffeine to keep us awake (yeah, yeah it’s a drug).